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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Sunday, 6 April 1924
die Sol.
12.20 A.M. 6th. Hail unto Keph Ra! Light out.
1.35. Awake—very wide!—from a meditation on my Natural Innocence which sprang from an Invocation of Aiwass. But—awake Once more, was I asleep? These dubious states multiply all the time. Cough, by the way, but slight and stopped of its own accord.
1.40 The upshot of the Meditation is roughly this. The object of the Gods is to compel me to cease to strive—this very curiously taught. Even in Liber LXV and Liber VII we find it. But it never struck me that it might be imposed upon one in so drastic a way. It is hateful beyond expression to give up all control of one's destiny.
2.50 I asked Alostrael [Leah Hirsig] about this. Hard to wake her, sorry I did! She delivered a powerful attack on my person and work—a sort of summary of what the Accuser of the Brethren has been saying all these weeks. A more concentrated sample of Vitriol it has never been my fortune to analyze.
It knocked me flat—woke me up! It's all in Sir Palamedes the Saracen—in those two dreadful sections which I wrote in at the last in that frenzy of soul-searching of 1907 when my life went to pieces. I killed the Slanderer of the Saints with the same good old Sword! I am the Beast 666, the priest of the princes, the Holy Chosen One, and all the rest of it; and "blessed are the eyes that thou shalt look upon with gladness". "Lift up thyself! for there is none like unto thee among men or among Gods! Lift up thyself, O my prophet, thy stature shall surpass the stars".—"and blessing and worship to the prophet of the Lovely Star!" Either that is true, or that is false. If it where false, then there were no sense in life at all, for me. I refuse to live on any other terms. And it would be imbecile to doubt the truth of the Book of the Law—above all within 12 hours of a visit from Jane Cheron, who brought me the marvellous proof of Jan-Feb 1920.
The one germ of truth in Alostrael's obsession-attack is this: let me put myself wholly in to the Work of writing the book indicated by the Gods "Who Art Thou?" That book will answer her devilish question. "I am the loyal son of Light / Sir Palamede the Saracen!"
3.10 A.M. I can put out the light with a quiet and uplifted heart. Whether I sleep or no matters nothing, even to my physical health. I have triumphed in the great Ordeal, put to me most unexpectedly by the one person in the world whom I should have thought incapable of doing any such thing. Again I invoke Thee, Aiwass. Aum! Ha!
[there is a side note in pencil beside Sunday the 6th, as follows:]
[Draft of a letter to Eddie Saayman:]
You don't say whether it was murder or suicide—but then of course you don't know, you poor bleeder! Alostrael says it is better that you should go through the worst that can happen. I say that it will make you happy to remember the happy days when you had nothing worse than the clap to worry about. That I think is about the limit of congratulation: the business before the meeting is to pick up the pieces. The Book of the Law is the one help available: luckily, it is adequate (I. 41.42.)
The important point is never to expect anything sexually. Never make advances or allow them: the act must be spontaneous insanity on both sides. The best aid is careful technical training in the act. Experts can prolong the honeymoon for months by knowing how to get the last ounce of pleasure; how to avoid awkwardness and distaste at the time; and aversion after the performance. At the best, you can't expect to enjoy it more than a very short time; so prepare from the start to slide imperceptibly into a sex-free friendship. Train yourself and her to pick up new partners before the enthusiasm has turned into nagging; and see to it that both pairs of eyes are opened, so that you will neither of you do such a foolish thing again, and be able to amuse yourselves outside without loss of mutual loyalty, or getting the delusion that going off with another partner leads to happiness. Given these attainments, you may be able to get on quite awhile on the theory that it is her True Will to devote herself body and soul to do yours. Remember that the birth of a child inevitably destroys married love as such; it creates a divided interest. These remarks apply to men of intelligence and imagination and ambition: of course the bourgeois type simply become brutalized by marriage, and sinks into a sodden state of vegetative rumination plus spasms of savage animal rancour. Of course, you are young and strong and may pull through; but you have wantonly put a burden on your back and on hers which a steady £1000 a year from investments would not go far to ease. The one course indicated above all is for you both to act as if this calamity had not befallen you. Preserve your spiritual integrity, both of you; don't waver in your aspirations. Don't look toward each other—or you'll see pretty ghastly sights! Move parallel; with infinite tact, and utter self-abnegation on her part (at first, it will come natural later, and fulfil her nature) you may be able to avoid too rapid a divergence of the paths. Above all, keep a sharp look-out for signs of cooling passion; the first time that you quarrel two days running take the bull by the horns, and get divorced while you are still not too bad friends. Go on living together after the divorce if you feel like it, and drift quietly apart. Enough for the present!
[this marks the end of the draft letter to Eddie Saayman]
7.50 Woke unusually fresh.
3.00 Got up about noon, lunched out; a lovely walk in the sunshine.
5.0. Began the Exordium of "Who art Thou?"
8.40 Wrote 16 pp. and dictated 5 - 21 in all. This takes me to near the end of the Exordium.
9.50 Exordium finished. (on p. 24)
10.30 Sleepy. Light out.
11.5 Med[itatio]n on Cap. I. Contrast men and animals. Latter placid even tigers. Lowest men nearly placid—they accept placid creeds .'. the more spiritual a man, the more is he discontented with his earthly peace. The artist's "point-of-view". Man as a star. All alike in infinity but in relation to galaxy (or as planet to a Sun) his idea of Universe differs. His p[oint] o[f] v[iew] justified, though imperfect, by his relative position as individual. P.O.V. vanishes in absorption into God-soul (Nuith) becomes placid on a higher plane. ? Source of P.O.V. Heredity v. "fallen Adam" theories. Task to justify P.O.V. Essence of Righteousness, although diverse from others '.' only P.O.V.
11.40 Light out.
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