|
Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Tuesday, 1 April 1924
die Mars. 1/4/24.
Woke 12.15 from pleasant doze—no cough (one slight throat-clearer)
1.0. Woke—easy—thirst. Milk. Slept again at once, I presume.
5.48 Woke at 5.25 with very violent cough, and strong impulse to shit. Got out of bed for latter—thanks to Bismuth, I suppose; there was, at least, some power of resistance. It was 3 or 4 minutes before I could get the earth-aq. [Heroin] steadily; and the cough insisted on getting rid of a lot of phlegm before calming down. A very bad case and there was a strong feeling that ether was required to supplement earth-aq. I took some and it certainly soothed.
5.58 All over: quite peaceful. Shall probably sleep till brekker [breakfast], or else meditate comfortably. (I am rested. The intensely sore spot on my chest is not there as it was yesterday. Comparing this with that night, it is heaven to hell, though in each case the wakings have been the same. (One of these wakings was accompanied by strong erection).
7.35 Yes, dozed off. Feel pretty fagged from reaction—the aq. effect, now felt pure '.' no accumulation in system. This is when one would be tempted to take a good fat dose. I don't. But a Strychnine and [illegible].
8.40 I wake yet again. No cough at first. Total of night. 7.30 - 8.40 = 13 h.10. Sleeping 9 h. 10 m. 7 goes. Waking 4 h.
1.50 Having now records of two normal nights—one without either heroin or heroin-protection, which means coughing to vomiting and diarrhoea (ad nauseam, indeed!) until complete exhaustion gives temporary relief—and the other without protection of reserves of heroin in the system, but with the resources of doses to cut short the spasms—I will try a third night with such protection as may be afforded by the cautious use of the drug before sleeping but no emergency doses in the spasms, and a fourth continuing the policy of building up protection during the day, and using the drug at need for the cough if awakened by it. I shall thus get a set of 4 pictures of the 4 possible conditions—except that of course the protection is not likely to be efficient unless built up carefully and gradually for at least 10 days.
2.0 P.M. I have put aside a reserve of over 100 fair-sized doses in the silver-topped bottle, corking it to prevent waste through leakage on the screw. I keep some 15 - 20 doses by me in a paper fold.
2.10. This A.M. I was very depressed and sleepy—a trifle dopy—near collapse once or twice. Wouldn't take earth-aq; the potion did good. Began to prepare for Third Night at 10 P.M. circa. A medium dose aq; and another just now. The "swimming in the head" effect is quite marked.
2.18 The essence of composition (prose or poetry) is logical sequence; and the greatest books are those in which the Work of Ananke is most clearly rigidly and beautifully made manifest.
Gertrude Stein, James Joyce, and similar modern practical jokes of the Muses upon would-be "artistically-aesthetically-temperamented" humbugs (Hell! there's no real name for them, with their boundless ignorance, cocksureness, swank, ill manners etc ad nauseam) do not write at all in my sense of the word. They are like those who write filth, religion, politics, and their private affairs in latrines. "The latrine school of squittrature".
3.0. A point for careful enquiry. There is rarely a serious attack of coughing unless on waking. It seems as if every spell of sleep prepares one; and the longer the spell, the more furious the assault. Q[uer]y might some special posture during sleep avert this. Shavasana? Would P.Y. [Pranayama] say 1/4 hour (or as experience indicated in the course of a few trials) before sleeping avert the disaster? What (again) of a full dose of Belladonna before sleeping—would it prevent the accumulation of phlegm?
3.20 P.M. There is a very noticeable difference in the quality of my consciousness to-day from that singularly clear and "normal" morning when I had (a) cleared out the last reserves of heroin from my system (b) been cured by a night ("in the bosom of the Beloved", a la Shibbi Bagarag) of really refreshing sleep, the night of Saturday-Sunday.
5.40 P.M. The general effect of the H[eroin]-protection plan has been very notable. The slight "swimming in the head" passed off almost at once. I feel no narcotic symptoms. But I have been mentally most active ever since lunch, writing up these notes, planning all sorts of things, writing to Frank Harris (8 close-composed pages) etc. I feel the strongest possible impulse to get up and go out to dinner, quite undeterred by reports of the raw cold without. There is also a feeling of great confidence, gaiety—euphoria?—I suppose so. Yet no! there is more in it than that. The Gods are really hard at work upon Their newborn Child, begotten on the marble statue! (Liber VII ch. III 49-52 and Ch. VII. 1-8.
6.0. Plan for a "Fifth Night". (Not a H[eroin]tertainment—ugh! how can you?) Take 10-minim doses of Tincture of Belladonna during the day: perhaps 5 in all. Push it, in fact, to its full physiological limit—get some flushing and excitement. Wind up with 15 drops; possibly, encourage sleep with Gardenal.[1]
7.18 earth-aq [Heroin]. Hope Johnstone has been in to say Far Well, off to Dinard and Destruction in the morning. He kindly—he is constant kindness—called on Dr. Jarvis [Dr. Charles Jarvis] this afternoon. The obstinate blockhead could merely echo poor hopeless Dr. Robinson's "Hopeless! Hopeless!" What a success they should be in Vaudeville! "Les Poires sans Espoir!". But it does me immense good morally to be considered a liar and a slave. It is more than ever more up to me to knock the medical theories of these Aunt Sally blockheads into the cocked-hat of a Thelemite Field-Marshall!
10.10 P.M. earth-aq. Back from dinner and farewell offering of Rosa Mundi with inscription and AL verses from 667 [Leah Hirsig] and self. The poor lad is off to Dinard to-morrow to propose to a violinist half his age who supports a widowed mother—a French bourgeoise "plus Gorgone ene Meduse". And he has no money! The Gods be with him and help him.
11.25 Feel very sleepy. Lights out.
11.30 P.S. April 1. Brief Summary of "First Night" Sunday-Monday 30-31 March '24 e.v. (No H[eroin]-protection and no H[eroin]) 8-9 P.M. Coughed and vomited very violently on waking from a light doze after 'dinner' (slice of galantine, bread, milk). Diarrhoea a constant flow. No body soever in sphincter. Every cough, and even most slight bodily movements, cause the evacuation of whatever may be in the rectum. (Pale orange, frothy, wholly fluid, ill-smelling dejecta.) During night woke several times, usually with a sense of alarm; each time coughed to exhaustion. The most violent attack was between 5 and 6 A.M.; this caused an extra evacuation. (During the fairly long spell of sleep preceding there had been an accumulation in the colon, I presume). Although exhausted when the fits stopped finally, and the need of further sleep was strongly felt, I knew I should not go off again. I waited as best I could for such partial and temporary relief as there could give when it arrived as it did 8 A.M. circa. I was a complete wreck, unable to make the least physical or mental exertion. (Couldn't read properly). During A.M. a small supply of powder was discovered. I took a minute dose to investigate its properties: it turned out to be pure heroin. Its effect was stupendous: I began instantly to think, talk, and attend to business. I dictated several important notes, letters, etc. The good effect lasted all day. It did not pick me up physically enough for me to get up, or even to shave: I was too worn out by the hours of coughing. But it probably saved me from further attacks until after that fatal half-hour of slumber (Monday 7-30 - 8 q.v.) N.B. Practically no symptoms of asthma at all at any time. I think that the very bad attacks following the operations may have some special explanation; and that it may be almost fair to say that Drs. Jarvis and Bourgeois have cured my tendency to Spasmodic Asthma. Mild chronic asthma is occasionally a little troublesome for short periods; but the only approach to spasm in the last month was a definite sequela of the bronchitic attack of the early morning. Note. Violence of spasms. On waking (about 12-2 A.M.) I reached for a tea-cup. I was so clumsy that I knocked it off the table. This may sound trivial and ridiculous; but normally my delicacy of manipulation is very great, and I am morally very keen about it, so that such incidents have been exceedingly rare in my life, and when they have occurred, caused me the most acute alarm. Compare the case to a Bisley Queen's Prizeman reaching for his rifle, dropping it, and firing it in the attempt to pick it up!
Details of "First Night" 30-31 Mar. Tried protection with Laudanum and Morphine. Quite useless. Dozed 8-9. Woke. Coughed and vomited 9-10. Slept 10 P.M. - 1.30 A.M. Coughed 1.30 A.M. - 2.10 A.M. Slept 2.10 A.M. - 4.20 A.M. Woke 4.20 A.M. Coughed till 6.15 A.M. Constant flow of faecal matter during whole period. Specially vehement evacuations on this 4.20 waking. Slept 6.40 circa - 7.45. Woke 7.45 without cough. Cough began again 8.0 A.M., but slight and rare. It wore off gradually.
[Other notes appearing in other places alongside the diary entries:]
Summary of "Third Night" H[eroin]-protection during day: none as against coughing spells should they occur) Tuesday-Wednesday April 1-2 H-protection. (Last dose. Emergency of 5.25 A.M. In each case a 'medium' dose, inclining to 'small'.
1. 1.0 P.M. circa. 2. 2.10 ditto. 3. 3.30 ditto. 4. 4.44 P.M. ditto. 5. 5.55 P.M. ditto. 6. 7.18 P.M. . . . 7 and 10.10 P.M.
(4, 5, or 6 to be omitted in case general narcotic effect appears considerable, at moment of proposed dose.) No Belladonna, Laudanum, or other drug to be taken, as liable to confuse the issue.
Exception: Dr. Jarvis' potion (N H 4 H C 0 3, Cognac, Scrap of Ether) in case of threatened collapse.
Total 9 h[ours] 40 m[inutes] sleep (circa) in 7 spells. Longest 2.55 as against 2nd night longest 4.15. This suggests H[eroin] literally bad for continuous sleep.
[note in pencil amongst all this:]
Alostrael's [Leah Hirsig] 12 wise men: Philosopher: Poet (Sagittarius): Historian [?] (Cancer): Priest: Lawgiver (Libra): Agriculturist (Capricorn): Fighter (Strategist—Aries): Tactician: Science: Medicine: Mechanic.
1—Gardenal contains phenobarbital, a barbituate.
|