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Charles Stansfeld Jones Diary Entry Saturday, 10 June 1911
Tonight I must write an entry. I MUST. And it is time. Why have I not done so before? Because I have experienced a “dryness” for the last month, and have made no definite effort to overcome it, but have just kept a firm hold on the little atom of real Knowledge I have obtained, & setting my face still towards the East, have plodded on with this material existence and the office work I have undertaken. I have experienced an incessant yearning for that “Something” or “Nothing” of which a glimpse had been vouchsafed unto me, and Waited. Maybe I should have Worked and waited, but I did not. I have not heard from Frater P.A. yet, but I wrote again during the month, saying I wanted to do something to help others a little, and asking if he could spare time to advise me on that score.
To-day, I received The Equinox ordered last April. It had been sent to my brother’s Club and had been lying there for a month, and all the while I had been waiting and hoping for its arrival. Then, when hope was about dead, I obtained a trace of it. It came as a drink of sweet nectar to a thirsty pilgrim, and it is wonderful how much better I feel. The note re Neophytes and Probationers has set me at rest about the silence of Fra P.A.; and confirms, what all the while I have suspected, that his delay in answering is a test. This confirmation is cheering, however hard the trial may have been, in so far as I had made up my mind to work on, whether he writes or not, and had got quite used to the idea of having to work out my own Path, without outside aid or encouragement.
M.M.M. 2, “mentions the breath playing upon the skin, etc.” I have experienced this, and asked Fra P.A. for instructions thereon. Sometimes, after hard breathing, I have been filled with the sensation. I think I understand the “lightning flash,” but shall experiment.
My present knowledge is more as a sheet of summer lightning. The minute point of light has often appeared to me, and I had come to the conclusion that it should be held in the zenith. The radiating cone, I have not experienced.
II. A.A.A. The idea of considering one’s own death is mentioned. This occurred to me and was carried out before my first Illumination; this serves as a confirmation that I was on the right track. I should have no doubt mentioned these meditations more fully at the time. I have often wondered how I got into the state I then experienced, and this copy of The Equinox has revived the memory and gives instruction for obtaining, no doubt, a very much fuller result, only I shall have to work with a big W.
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