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Charles Stansfeld Jones Diary Entry Saturday, 22 April 1911
I wish I could express myself better. On reading J. St. J. [John St. John] again I find that I can comprehend it ever so much better than when I first read it some three months after its publication. Then, it seemed like a dream of the far distant future; now, many parts seem like records of my own experiences, only expressed infinitely better than I have been able to put them.
Now, of what value are the experiences I have gained? Why is the state of Oneness with Adonai not lasting, or rather, is it possible to remain always conscious of that State? How is it when reading an account like J. St. John’s that I know what he is talking about, and can feel with him the difficulty of putting these things into words? I could not have realized this a year ago, before I entered into certain states of which I cannot gauge the value at all, while in normal consciousness. There is no Doubt Then. But how may I be Sure always?
I will fetch The Equinox [Vol. I, No.1], and put down the points as they come to me. Let me quote page 87. “Well, one thing I got (again!) that is that when all is said and done I am that I am, all these thoughts of mine, angels and devils both, are only fleeting moods of me. The one true self of me is Adonai. Simple! Yet I cannot remain in that simplicity.” I can realize that state perfectly, but I am not a Magician, I know little or nothing of Ceremonial Magick, except from reading; my results have not been accompanied by visions. What results I have obtained have been in the nature of becoming the thing itself, not seeing it. However, to pass on: Is the idea of coming back to help others (see Sun. Apr. 16) only a form of the Dweller on the Threshold and caused through fear of annihilation or madness? Or is it a concession to my own weakness, a pandering to my “self” because I am really nowhere near ready to hurl myself into the Gulf, instead of which I come back to normal consciousness, and try and make myself believe I have “givenup” what I “could not get” for the sake of “others” which do not exist at the time (for me)? This is certainly a difficult one to tackle; I am entering it so as to try and formulate the proposition clearly. Now, the doubt enters my mind, that I have only put it down in order to appear honest to Fra. P.A., or anyone who may read this record. NO The foregoing thought seems to have a parallel in J. St. J. Again on page 96 “I must attain or . . . an end to J. St. J.” seems similar to the state arrived at one Sept. 5, 1910, when I determined to ask the last WHY? and afterwards entered into Peace. On page 133 he says “subtly, simply, imperceptibly gliding I passed away into nothing. . . . I felt the interior trembling kindle itself into a kiss. . . also I was given to enjoy the subtle Presence of my Lord interiorly during the whole of the twelfth day. But he withdrew Himself. . . yet leaving a comfort not to be told, a Peace. . . The Peace.” Yes, with me also the Peace has remained, but sometimes I cannot connect myself with It, or fail to do so, being led away by Maya.
Then comes the entry of the Thirteenth Day: “Being entered into the Silence let me abide in the Silence. Amen.” And here I am puzzled. Either J. St. J. attained permanently to a State such that he was never again annoyed by the silly mistake of identifying Himself with the body, or he did not. But after all, what has that to do with V.I.O.? It has certainly nothing to do with C.S.J. [Charles Stansfeld Jones]. But how do I stand? This seems to be the position. While in normal consciousness I know that I (or Not I) am ever in the state of which I sometimes catch the reflection when I realize that I am not I. There, that is the clearest original thought I have expressed this afternoon, and bad at that. Of course, I am really quite content, it is only when I begin to think and reason about things that I begin to become discontented. It’s about time I shut up.
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